A father was approached by his small son who told
him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic
Information Before Leaving Earth..' (This one is my favorite!)
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are
those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are
those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was
short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the
block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my
job. Lead us not into temptation."
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough
money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there
in your pockets."
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The
owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the
back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs
on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what
do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long
holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of
him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if
everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by
for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the
congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to
the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist
was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.. The
substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think
of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are
in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we
need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache..... When you open it, he
collapses..... When he sees you reading it, he faints..... When he sees that you
are living what you read, he flees...... And when you are about to share this
information, he will try and discourage you.
Aug 26, 2012